State of my Head

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself. That my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror." (Jacques Rigaut)

Now that some days passed since I moved here, I finally realized changes. I realized what I miss most and what really sucks about being here. 

Before I moved, I had an idea of what it would feel like. I was sure it would be terribly sad to be away from my family and friends and that the beginning would be the worst part. I was wrong. I still feel like I'm just away for a holiday. It is not that strange and still not that different to be here. 

However, this started to change yesterday. 

I went to a handball team yesterday to check out if I could play with them. When I came here, I had a clear plan: I wanted to ask for permission to play in two different handball clubs at the same time. This is no problem back home where I live and I know some people who moved away for a certain time and who could do this. 

I play handball since I was ten years old and I never stopped. Most people of my team I already know many years. They are my friends. It is no possibility for me to leave my home club and play for another one here. I know my team counts on me and wants me to play for and with them when I'm back home for a visit. 

The team I visited was basically really nice, especially the girls who play there. The training was quite good, too. 

It just felt strange.

The longer I was there, the more I started to act like I do in my own team, the stranger it felt. In the end, I just wanted to leave and go home and get my head clear. I compared everything we did to what we do at home. I compared everyone who was there to my team mates and my coaches at home. 

The worst thing is that I got told that, here in Bavaria, it is not possible to get the permission to play in two clubs. 

Now I realized two things. 

First thing was that I feel way more attached to my team than I actually thought. This makes me happy and sad at the same time because I miss them a lot right now. And I even think about not playing handball here at all because it felt so wrong.

The second thing was that the holiday-feeling starts to disappear now. I realized that my everyday life is very different from the one at home, the one I'm used to. And I'll be honest, I'm not happy with this change.

However, this is not true for work yet. Of course, as I started a new job, everything is - well, new. But it would be like this in any other city, too, and so it just feels normal to meet new people and do new things and learn about a new company. 

Still, this handball experience showed me that this is not just normal and that things have changed because I moved. It showed me that the small things really matter and I did not realized this at home because it was just there. There was never a question if I could do this or not. This activity connected to these people is a part of me, and that is missing now. And it actually keeps me from finding a substitute. This sport but even more this team is a part of my identity. 

I had to move 350 kilometers away to learn this.