State of my Head #7

“It is good that you feel something.”

That’s what Brent Smith said to me when I apologized for crying after the show in Amsterdam. I still feel strange about it because I’m not good at dealing with this kind of emotions. Especially not in front of the man who actually helps me overcome them. So, I’m still sorry that I cried that night because it was not really what I wanted to show. Because Brent should have seen me smile as that is what he makes me feel on the inside. And I cried because his words had touched me, because I needed to hear them. I’m angry because I didn’t say all the things I wanted to say to him because I spent my time crying. But I also know that all of these feelings are ok. It’s hard to accept that for myself even though I easily say that to others; because then I really mean it. But it’s true. It’s good that I felt something. I still do. And I’m still close to crying when I think back to that. I’m still sorry but I also try to accept that this is just how it went that night. And that it is ok.

“One step at a time.”

That’s what Brent said to me when I told him I was struggling with what’s inside of me. I tried to internalize this idea, this thought because I know he’s right. And again, I needed that. He helped me more than he might know because now I see things differently. Now I don’t think of tomorrow while today is still very much alive. Now I think about what’s most important right now and I find a solution for it – and then I move on. Brent said, if he’d think of everything he had to deal with at once, his head would explode. And that was just it. That’s how I felt very often. And maybe it’s because it was him who told me, but I have a feeling that I finally can deal with this. By concentrating on one thing first and then the rest. I’ll do one step at a time. And it’s alright, I will always push through somehow.

“Have you ever been to New York?”

That’s what Brent asked when we were talking about what I was going to do with my life. What I wanted to do. He asked if I planned to travel and I said yes and then he suggested this. He made me think of what I really want and – to be honest – this is really hard for me. Because that is the point I struggle with most. I don’t know. I do have dreams, but I fail to believe in them. I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid that I might not be good at anything at all. Not really. But Brent – without knowing this – helped me believe in this. He actually told me that my plans sounded good. That I should give it a try. That I should travel. See New York. I’m still afraid and I still don’t know where to go, but now I have a moment I can think back to. I can think back to that night in Groningen when Brent told me my dreams are alright and that I should follow them in my own way. I can hold on to that now. And that is important.