State of my head #10

I feel very lonely.

It's been a while now that we're in this crisis. We adapted to it somehow. Some days are better than others. Life goes on.

Usually, I would be on a six week roadtrip through the US right now. With my friends. Seeing Shinedown. Going to Hawaii. All of this is not happening. I really thought that I could work this out somehow. That I can still do it at some point, so it's not that bad. But that's not true.

The thing is, the way this trip was supposed to be, the way I planned it - that's not gonna happen again. And it was so much more than just a trip. It was an escape for me. It was supposed to be a healing process from all the things that happened at the end of last year. I wanted to take a step back from everything. Get some distance between the things that hurt me and myself. 

I am missing some people very much right now and I feel like I'm slowly losing touch with them and that we might never recover from this. I feel very lonely sometimes. I don't know how to take care of everything all at once right now and whenever I'm thinking that I need to take one step at a time, that reminds me of how much I miss these people. 

I work more than ever before and that's okay, but I forget to take breaks or I feel bad if I do. I feel like I'm disappointing those I love. I get stuck in my head. I feel like I'm floating without any aim. Do I even have a goal in life? Or am I just aimlessly running around, looking for something good to just happen to me? I honestly don't know. 

I try to create. I spend a lot of time working on projects. And yet I'm never satisfied. 

But the thing with life is, it's not gonna end just because things don't go the way you want them to. The world will keep turning. And I will keep trying. One step at a time. Because there are people out there that I just love so much. And I hope they still count on me. And that they still have my back.