How LOST healed me

An open letter to everyone involved with this show

It is no secret that the TV show LOST means a lot to me. In fact, it healed me.

Before I started watching the show, I was a very melancholic, dramatically emotional girl. I was extremely lonely. Not because there were no people around me who loved me, but because I was lonely from within. 

I only started the show because my father was annoying about how good it was. So, eventually, I started it just so I could tell him to shut up about it. Joke’s on me because now I CANNOT shut up about how amazing it is. 

As soon as I’d seen “Pilot”, things changed forever. I had this strange feeling that this would be something about to touch me deep within my loneliness. I kept watching and watching and watching. I fell in love. I forgot about my pain and my loneliness. Just like John Locke and Rose, the island healed me. It stopped me from overthinking. 

LOST got me through my loneliest nights and my darkest days. And even today, whenever I feel like the world is overwhelming me, when bad things happen and I start to feel sad, desperate, even depressed – I go back to watching LOST. 

This show changed my life. It made me re-adjust my way of seeing the world. It made me question concepts of black and white, good and bad. It twisted and turned my emotions, it made me laugh and cry, but most importantly: It made me feel. Everything. Every single emotion there is.

When I went to the island, my mom’s depression, my family’s problems, my hurt feelings and my lonely heart were gone, only memories from another life. And I could gather the strength to go back to it and face my struggles when I came back. 

I’m at a very different point in life now. Things are better. I am better. Other sources of support and self-confidence entered my life (and I am forever grateful for Shinedown & their crew and what they did for me). 

But LOST is always there when I need an escape from my reality. And it’s time to honor this.

So now, I will be getting a LOST tattoo leg sleeve. And if any of the cast reads this, maybe, just maybe, you can do one more thing for me and write down a quote from the show on a piece of paper and send me a picture of it. Because getting your handwriting tattooed would mean very very much to me.

I’ll write some of my dream handwriting quotes down here. Just in case. But even if you don’t wanna do it: I am forever grateful that you brought this show and these characters to life. I couldn’t imagine a better cast. Ever. You are wonderful, and I love you, and I owe you.

Josh Holloway: “tiger don’t change their stripes”
Matthew Fox: “Live Together, Die Alone”
Henry Ian Cusick: “See you in another life”
Terry O’Quinn: “Don’t tell me what I can’t do” (already sent it – thank you so so much!)
Evangeline Lilly: “We have to go back”
Jorge Garcia: 4-8-15-16-23-42

And for all the others: Any symbol or quote from the show is amazing. If you would draw or write down anything and send it to me, I’d be the happiest girl on earth. 

You are all amazing. 

And remember: We have to go back.


State of my head #10

I feel very lonely.

It's been a while now that we're in this crisis. We adapted to it somehow. Some days are better than others. Life goes on.

Usually, I would be on a six week roadtrip through the US right now. With my friends. Seeing Shinedown. Going to Hawaii. All of this is not happening. I really thought that I could work this out somehow. That I can still do it at some point, so it's not that bad. But that's not true.

The thing is, the way this trip was supposed to be, the way I planned it - that's not gonna happen again. And it was so much more than just a trip. It was an escape for me. It was supposed to be a healing process from all the things that happened at the end of last year. I wanted to take a step back from everything. Get some distance between the things that hurt me and myself. 

I am missing some people very much right now and I feel like I'm slowly losing touch with them and that we might never recover from this. I feel very lonely sometimes. I don't know how to take care of everything all at once right now and whenever I'm thinking that I need to take one step at a time, that reminds me of how much I miss these people. 

I work more than ever before and that's okay, but I forget to take breaks or I feel bad if I do. I feel like I'm disappointing those I love. I get stuck in my head. I feel like I'm floating without any aim. Do I even have a goal in life? Or am I just aimlessly running around, looking for something good to just happen to me? I honestly don't know. 

I try to create. I spend a lot of time working on projects. And yet I'm never satisfied. 

But the thing with life is, it's not gonna end just because things don't go the way you want them to. The world will keep turning. And I will keep trying. One step at a time. Because there are people out there that I just love so much. And I hope they still count on me. And that they still have my back.


State of my head #9

The world is a crazy place right now. With the corona virus and the global pandemic... everything seems frozen. 

And I am so frustrated.

It's all weird. I feel weird when I am at work and everyone steps away when they see me. I feel weird stepping away from them. I miss seeing my friends in person and not via video chat. I miss playing handball. 

I had a very special holiday planned this year. It was supposed to be the best experience I ever had. And now it's just gone. And I am so sad and I feel lonely and I feel so bad for saying all of this.

Because I understand why it is necessary.

Don't get me wrong. I know it's right to practice social distancing right now. I know it's right to stay at home. To avoid direct contact to people.

But it still feels weird. And I know I'm not alone in this. I'm not saying I won't do it and I hope everyone out there is doing it, too. Stay at home. Keep your distance. Stop panic shopping for hell's sake.  

But also, please understand that I cannot be all happy and smiling right now. I try but I really can't. There are some people I miss so much and I don't know when I might be able to see them again, talk to them again. My life is chaos, like yours, and it makes me sad from time to time.

It's okay to feel sad about all of this. It's okay to be frustrated. 

So, if you feel like this, feel free to text me. I feel you. All of you. And I'm home anyway. Because it's the right thing to do. And that's so frustrating.


It's time to talk about... Murhder

“When do we ever know what we’re walking into,” he said in a low voice. “Destiny is not a straightaway. It’s cluttered with corners and all of them are dark. We make the turns we do… and find ourselves where we are.” 
- J. R. Ward - The Savior

I found this quote very fitting when wanting to describe Murhder, son of Murhder, long lost member of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. When I got the new novel by J. R. Ward, I was wondering why she felt like she had to continue with the story of someone we don’t know instead of focusing on those already in the household. I was disappointed at first – especially when I realized this would also be about John Matthew again. He had always been my least favorite character. Not because I didn’t like him, rather because I didn’t really care. 

So, I started reading this story about all the characters I wasn’t interested in – and I stand corrected. Very much so. Murhder turned out to be one of the loveliest characters this genius author has ever created. There are so many layers to him I wasn’t expecting, so many facets, so much true and honest emotion. 

The very first part about him, written from his perspective, had me so confused and I was very annoyed by that. Now I know that is exactly what this was about. I had to understand his madness first to feel like this all made sense; or why it didn’t. 

I also feared this all wouldn’t be much more than a complication to make the relationship of JM and Xhex somehow interesting again. And how relieved I was to find out that was not at all the purpose! The whole thing about these other two lovers was to show that there are more dangers to this life they all lead than just a fight between husband and wife or an old rival. It was about dealing with death and finding one’s place in this world. This book finally made me like John Matthew as a character (and Xhex even more because it also gave her more layers, more vulnerability). 

Back to the actual star here: Murhder has gone mad. He has done terrible things. But he regrets. And he loves. And he knows about his position and what he did to lose it. He is an honorable man. He is not afraid to show how vulnerable he is. How much it had hurt him, not only to lose his woman but also his brothers. He is the anti-hero who becomes the real hero throughout the story. He heals. He is always truthful and his decisions are all him. I believe every single one of them. He connects it all: past, present and future are combined in his life and his destiny. The destiny he used to believe in, he then doubts and finally trusts again. 

When he finally overcomes his madness and has this talk with Tohrment, everything fell into place. He regains his self-trust, confidence and strength. He fights for his beliefs and his love. And it all pays off. Also, did I mention he’s crazy funny? And the way he treats Sarah made me tear up. 

This man is all I ever wished for in these books. He climbed up straight to number two on my list of BDB vampires I would marry right away. Because he’s still not Phury with all his conflict and struggle and gentleness and three-colored-hair. But he’s exactly the male I think he was.


2019 in a nutshell

2019 was a weird year, split in half emotion-wise. The first half was incredible, full of hard work and amazing moments, important memories and great achievements. The second half was hard, dark, exhausting and complicated. Here's a collection of my most treasured memories of this year.

January: The year started with a lot of work on my bachelor thesis. The only pictures I took were of the cats so here's tiger lady Mercury.

February: John and I went outside to take some pictures so I could catch a break from the work at my desk.

March: I went to one of my favorite zoos with my brother and my best friend. It's a beautiful place and going there feels incredibly good.

April: I handed in my bachelor thesis and went to Texel to feel free. And what can I say: it worked.

May: This picture is a symbol for the most incredible time of my 2019. I got to shoot two Shinedown shows in Atlanta. I spent so much time with all these amazing people. They gave me a place to be myself, they gave me love and a sense of family. And I miss them very much.

June: After coming back home, I started some photography projects, including this wonderful one with my dear friend Stella. Strength and confidence are what this is about and I could really use both of them.

July: Traveling through Norway was the best way to ease my mind after my crappy birthday. I finished my bachelor's degree in July and things got chaotic. But Norway was raw and wild and I found peace there.

August: My beautiful friend Rike came to visit me and we spent some much needed time together. I love this picture of her (along with all the others we took). She's an incredible friend.

September: I went to work, walked through every day life and then I went back to Burgers Zoo with a dear friend. It was a calm month and I forgot about most of it.

October: Texel with Annika was so important. We took so many awesome pictures and tried new stuff. It was creative and relaxing and freeing. I loved it very much.

November: Meeting Halestorm again was so good. They were welcoming and gave me so much love and appreciation. I missed them a lot and it was nice to lose myself in the moment for a while during their three shows. They are awesome people.

December: The end of the year was about Shinedown again. It was different than the other tours and not everything went well. I didn't feel entirely good. But these four men and their crew helped me through everything. They were my anchor. And I am forever grateful, as I said so many times before.


I cannot fix this

I've been thinking about how I react when things go wrong a lot lately. I've been thinking about my coping mechanisms and my way to deal with problems. And I realized one thing.

I'm a lot like Jack Shephard from LOST.

Here's why. One of Jack's most common sentences throughout the series, one of his main motivations for is actions is: "I will fix this." In fact, his ex-wife Sarah breaks it down to what it really is about when she's leaving him. She tells him:

"You will always need something to fix."

And I'm just like that. Some people I love have been going through so many struggles lately. And it drives me crazy. Things are so hard and I wish I could find a way to just live with it. But I couldn't. Instead, I was constantly trying to fix things. I was trying to fix these people. I was completely forgetting about myself, ignoring how much it hurt my peace of mind. I was obsessed with the idea of fixing everything. 

I cannot stand the idea of passively waiting for things to change. It drives me crazy when I see the solution right in front of me, but people won't act like I think would be best. I want to fix them so bad, I'm even willing to let it hurt myself.

Just like Jack. 

It's so much easier for me to see things from his perspective. To diagnose him. I've seen where it brought him and I'm slowly starting to realize that I - just as much as Jack - have to learn to let go. That doesn't mean I should give up on these people I love or give up on making our lives better. But I need to understand that there are some things that I cannot fix. And that I cannot go through this alone. 

LOST taught me so many things. So I chose this quote, because it sums everything up quite perfectly:

CHRISTIAN: Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.
JACK: For what?
CHRISTIAN: To remember... and to... let go.


State of my head #8

I've been thinking about love and relationships a lot lately. I've been single for five years now and I really got to admit: I like this. 

When reading my older stories and reflecting on how I thought of love and what a perfect relationship must look like, I was trapped in old and conservative views when I was a teenager. I thought I needed to marry and have kids just to fulfill the relationship - the ultimate proof of love, right?

Don't get me wrong, if you really want this, if this is your dream, then go for it! I'm not judging this. I just think many people out there don't even think about if they really want this for their life. It's just how life goes for most. 

When I'm with my friends, some of them tend to bring up this topic again and again, also asking me about getting a boyfriend and why I didn't bring anybody home in quite a long time. 

Let me tell you this: I don't want to. I don't know anybody I'd want to spend this phase of my life with yet. And that's perfectly fine for me. I love being independent. I love having time for myself. 

I also love a good love story. That's something I realized, too. Give me dramatic and wild love story, I'm completely up for that. Just read the Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J. R. Ward and you'll know what I mean. I also love writing this kind of stuff. I don't know, it's something I enjoy (just as much as writing fighting scenes btw.). It's easy to connect to it because we all felt something like this, experienced stuff that had to do with love and attraction and that went crazy. Life basically is a daily soap. But there's no room for something like this in my own life right now. And people need to accept that.

We don't necessarily need a relationship to find fullfillment. We can be happy on our own. With our family. Our friends. A band we love. Traveling. Our pets. This can be enough. And people need to stop asking us why we're single. Because the answer is easy: Because we want to. 

And as much as I'd love to say this is something that only happens to women - people asking why they're not married yet because, yes, we are still living in the 60s - it's not like that. The same happens to my brother all the time. So we should just focus on what makes us happy. It could be very different from what makes other people happy. Always keep that in mind.